Thursday, 26 March 2009


I hate this day.. it was the day six years ago that broke my world apart. It started out ordinary but by 4 pm,life had shattered into a million pieces like a fairytale mirror never to be mended.At each passing year,the urge to hide away till it has passed grows stronger.People say that time heals,but whether there hasn't been enough time,or it's been a particularly tough patch since getting married, it seems to get harder and harder. Moving away from when he was present in our lives and as we change,grow older,get married, get new jobs,the sadness grows more acute.

I have been trying to write something for the last few days and faltering with each attempt, so I'll keep it short. But really this is one of the reasons why I'm writing this blog, reminding myself of all the life -affirming goodness that is out there, looking to the rainbows from the darkest storm.So it seemed I needed to say something. And my brother was always one for enjoying life, it seems a cliche about those that live fast lives but with him he did seem to really exist for music, poetry,friends, laughter,learning and so many things that makes life rich and colourful. Often I will hear a song,or see a film and wonder what he would have thought of it, desperate for his opinion.

He did a lot with his short time here, travelled, made good friends,had a loving relationship,was loved ,as George Sands wrote 'There is only one happiness in this life,to love and be loved'
As the big sister, part of me is still furious with him for leaving us. Leaving us, once a little tripod of siblings now with one branch of our tree gone.And it saddens me so much that we have been robbed of the adult friendship we would have had and we were becoming such good friends, leaving behind the many memories of arguing as ratty brother and sister, trying to make sense of family life after our parents split.

Music has been the hardest thing, I couldn't bear to hear songs that he loved for years, even now Nick Drake's songs are impossible to hear all the way through. But he loved them so. Especially this one, From the morning. And these lines make me think of him especially-
'And now we rise and we are everywhere'

A day once dawned
And it was beautiful
A day once dawned from the ground
Then the night she fell
And the air was beautiful
The night she fell all around

So look see the days
The endless coloured ways
And go play the game that you learnt
From the morning

And now we rise
And we are everywhere
And now we rise from the ground
And see she flies
And she is everywhere
See she flies all around

So look see the sights
The endless summer nights
And go play the game that you learnt

From the morning.

This picture reminds me of the millenium morning, we watched the sun rise over these cliffs. Miss you.

picture from here and here


Emmy said...

I had to comment. I found you through Peonies (although I must confess I believe we belonged to the same forum on YAYW). I am so sorry this is such a hard period for you. I can't compare personal experience but I do believe that we honour those we love through the way we continue to live after they are gone.

I don't know that there are any words that can comfort on days like this, but be kind to yourself don't expect to feel "better" because that is what the outside world expects you to do.

Take your comfort where you can and remember to breathe when it all gets too much to bear.

Flora said...

Thanks so much Emmy, your words have moved me very much and I have been trying to do just that about honouring his life, I hope he would approve, although sometimes I imagine what he would say to me about certain things!

And yes,remembering to breathe is very good advice.

Yay for yayw!!

Indian Summers said...

Having recently lost a very very dear friend, I really feel for you. (Though, obviously the loss of a sibling is even more painful). I'm not sure whether time does heal - I think it's more a case of finding different ways to cope with it. And there are times when it is harder - like today, for you, and at moments in life when he should have been there experiencing them with you. You mustn't berate yourself for the way you feel - it is a measure of his role in your life, and it's so normal to still feel such a mix of emotions.

Good luck with getting through today - I hope you can find some small pleasure or comfort somewhere.

agirl said...

Oh sweetie.

I hope it does get better.

All my love. xx

Flora said...

Ah,thanks also Indian Summers and a girl. I do appreciate your words and thoughts greatly.
And I'm so sorry about your friend,someone once told me and I dn't know if it's a quote but it was something like our job in life is surviving the loss of our loved ones.
It makes sense..

Anyway, onwards!

the letters i wish i'd written said...

Oh this made me cry for you, I hope you are surrounded by your loved ones and being taken care of x

Peonies and Polaroids said...

Oh Flora, I'm so very sorry for your loss, I can not imagine for a second how awful it must be to lose a sibling.

All my thoughts and hugs and wishes for a way to find your way through this are with you, xx

Amber said...

This post was beautifully written. The loss of a sibling is one of my greatest fears in life and I cannot imagine the pain it must cause. But I do think your ideas of trying to find the most beautiful things in life and enjoying and honouring him through them is a very noble and worthwhile cause. I find beauty helps numb the pain of loss (although I've never experienced a loss like yours). Hope your day was full of love.

All my love. x

Flora said...

Thank you so much,letters,peony and Amber. Oh I could hug you all for your sweet thoughts! Brought little tears to my eyes.

It helped writing that post a lot, I never wrote about it before but it felt right.

Dick0369 said...